Did you know that we can only hold 7±2 pieces of information in our short-term memory? Yet, in our technology-driven world, we are bombarded with information from all over the place. We’re also encouraged to “multitask” to be more efficient. Everything I have ever learned as a psychologist tells me the expectations around managing this level of information flow is unrealistic. So, don’t feel bad if you feel you can handle all the demands on you. Maybe that’s why we’re now, fortunately, seeing a movement in the other direction: mindfulness, slowing down, taking a technology-free vacation, etc.
One of my roles at work is to educate intended parents about the consequences of using donor egg or sperm as a way to build their families. In addition to talking about the intended parents’ feelings about using a donor, I also attempt to bring in the voice of the child that would be created from such an arrangement.
The fertility clinics that refer intended parents to me for these educational sessions are adhering to some ethical guidelines set forth by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. Unfortunately, not everyone involved in the fertility “industry” is bound by ethical guidelines. As a licensed healthcare professional used to considering ethics and the best interests of my patients, it is honestly shocking and repulsive to see some agencies marketing egg and sperm donors like any other product. It can feel very Brave New World at times.
The New York Times recently published an op-ed about a new study on children of sperm donors: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/31/opinion/31douthat.html. (Here’s a link to the study if you’re interested in more detail: http://familyscholars.org/my-daddys-name-is-donor-2.)
The essence of the editorial is that those who work with third party reproduction services need to do so in a responsible manner. We need to acknowledge that real children are created from egg and sperm donations. These children will have needs, opinions, and feelings about what has taken place and their humanity must be acknowledged.
We cannot pretend that the choice to create a family via egg or sperm donation does not carry any additional parenting responsibilities. In the same way that an adoptive parent must help their child come to a positive understanding of adoption, children conceived using gamete donation also need their parents to be active in helping them comprehend their genetic origins.
With summer approaching, I’m starting to think of vacation plans. As a clinician, part of what allows me to stay enthusiastic about my work year after year is making sure I take time off on a regular basis. Since I have my own practice, I am in the unique position of deciding when and how much time I want to take off. Usually that means sprinkling “mental health days” throughout the year and taking more extended time off during the holidays and summer.
I’m very aware that the average American is not so lucky. Did you know that the U.S. has no federal law mandating employers to even provide paid vacation? Nearly a quarter of all Americans have no paid vacation or holidays!!! Compared with the rest of the industrialized world, we rank really low on amount of vacation time available to employees:
- U.S. 12 days
- Canada 19 days
- Britain 24 days
- Japan 17.5 days
- Germany 27 days
- France 39 days
- Australia 17 days
More than a third of us don’t even use all our vacation time due to fears of falling behind at work, being perceived as slacking or expendable, or having to meet strict criteria for when you can take your vacation time. We are a culture of workaholics! Even when employees do take vacation, there is often still pressure to be accessible 24/7, thanks to modern technology.
Yet, the price for not taking vacation time is high. Increased stress-related illnesses, strained relationships, depression, decreased productivity, burnout, and even a higher risk of heart attacks are part of the price of not taking time for ourselves.
So next time you think of not using all your vacation time, think again.
OK, are you ready for this? Apparently a new poll by petside.com reveals that 33% of women and 18% of men believe their pet is a better listener than their spouse!
About one in ten pet owners surveyed speak to their animals about their problems, especially to their dogs who are supposedly better listeners than cats!!! >^..^<
I could get out my research hat and critique this poll, but instead of doing that, I’ll just highlight the central message of this research: Many people are not feeling heard by their partners.
So, to do my part in helping us all become better listeners, here is a reprint of a Healthful Changes newsletter on the topic. If you’d like to subscribe to my complimentary quarterly newsletter, please click here.
Learning To Listen
“Can you stop what you’re doing for just one second and listen to me?”
“Why do I have to constantly repeat myself?”
“You’re not really listening. Do you even care what I have to say?”
Most of us have a great deal of room for improvement when it comes to our ability to listen. Do any of these words sound familiar to you? Has anyone recently accused you of not listening? Do you often pretend you are listening when you are actually thinking about something else?
Although we all enjoy the experience of having someone truly listen when we are talking, we are not always very skilled at providing that same experience to others. We tend to think we are great communicators when we possess great speaking skills. However, talking is only one half of the communication process. Listening is the other.
Listening is not the same as hearing. Obviously, if you have two ears that work, you can hear. Listening, on the other hand, is more about making an active and sincere attempt to understand what someone is trying to communicate to you. Contrary to common belief, listening is not something that comes naturally; it is a skill that requires practice to refine. Good listening skills are an important key to establishing rapport, maintaining good relationships, and avoiding misunderstanding.
Common Obstacles To Listening
Only a few of us truly give 100% of our attention to someone else while they are talking. We are often preoccupied with our own responsibilities, plans, and worries. Below is a list of things listeners often do that can get in the way of comprehending a speaker’s true message. Do you do any of these things?
- Mindreading. You feel like you already know what the other person is “really” trying to say, so you make little effort to listen.
- Judging. You make a negative judgment about the other person and then do not pay attention to anything that person says, unless it supports your negative opinion.
- Rehearsing. You are so busy focusing on your next statement or response that you do not pay attention to what the other person is saying.
- Filtering. You listen to only some of the things that are being said and let your mind wander.
- Advising. You are mostly focused on “fixing” the problem you hear, rather than understanding the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
- Identifying. No matter what the other person says, you tie it in with your own experience and launch into your own stories.
- Comparing. Rather than listening, you try to figure out how you measure up to the other person.
Based on this list, do you feel your listening skills could be improved? If so, take heart in the knowledge that there are some simple strategies you can employ to become a more skilled listener.
Ground Rules
Let’s imagine that your spouse or a very good friend tell you they want to talk to you about something and they really need you to listen. If you really want them to feel heard, it is important to implement some ground rules for better listening before you sit down with that person:
- Reduce the distractions around you. Turn off the TV, silence your cell phone, or put down that book you are reading.
- Establish a listening attitude. Make your goal to understand things from the other person’s perspective, whether or not you agree with how they see things. Be curious and interested. Control your own emotional buttons—ignore your anger and focus on being constructive. Remember that true listening can help you clear up misunderstandings and increase trust, intimacy, and respect.
- Let your body language show you are listening. 70% of communication is nonverbal, so face the other person, maintain comfortable eye contact, and keep your posture open. No crossed arms, yawns, or staring off into space, please.
- Do not interrupt while the other person is speaking. Let them complete their thoughts.
- Be encouraging of the other persons attempt to communicate. Nod your head or say things like, “Uh huh”, “Go on,” or “Tell me more.” Asking open-ended question (i.e., questions that do not have “yes” or “no” as a response) can keep communication going. For example, you could say, “What makes you feel this way?” or “How did that affect you?”
Structured Exercise To Improve Your Listening Skills
If you are really dedicated to improving your listening skills and have a willing partner to help you practice, here is an exercise you can try with that person. Be warned that you may feel awkward at first, but practicing listening in this way will definitely help you improve your listening.
- Start by deciding who will be the speaker and who will be the listener. If you are the listener your role is to be encouraging, not to give you personal response to what they are saying.
- Now the speaker talks about something for five minutes. If you are the speaker, your statements should primarily begin with “I,” rather than “You.” Your goal is to relay your own experience, not play the “blame game.”
- After five minutes, if you are the listener, give the speaker a summary of what you heard. It is important not to interject your own personal opinions when you give this feedback. Try to be a “mirror,” so that the speaker can clearly hear what he or she said. Remember to “reflect” back not only the content, but also the feelings that were being communicated. You can start the feedback with a simple statement like, “I heard you say…”
- Next, if you are the speaker, tell the listener what was accurate or inaccurate about the summary. If necessary, give the listener additional information to clarify your views.
- Now switch roles. The speaker becomes the listener and vice versa.
It is very important to be open, calm, and self-controlled during this exercise. Remember, that the goal is for each one of you to feel heard, not for you to win an argument. You can use this structured exercise until your listening skills are stronger and come to you more naturally.
Conclusion
If you think back to people that had a positive influence in your life, you may find one thing in common—they tend to be good listeners. Being heard is a truly powerful experience. Listening is a great way to build rapport quickly and relate with someone at a deeper level. As you express genuine interest in what another person has to say, you will find that others are much more likely to also listen to you. You can certainly make a positive difference in someone else’s life just by listening.
In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, here is an informative publication with important facts about infertility from RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association (www.resolve.org).
Infertility 101: Get the facts
Myth: Infertility is a women’s problem.
Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.
Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
Fact: More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won’t feel isolated.
Myth: It’s all in your head! Why don’t you relax or take a vacation. Then you’ll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.
Myth: Don’t worry so much — it just takes time. You’ll get pregnant if you’re just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a “spontaneous cure rate” of about 5% after a year of infertility.
Myth: If you adopt a baby you’ll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.
Myth: Why don’t you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!
Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility. Education is key to finding resolution.
Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!
Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.
Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.
Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.
Myth: Perhaps this is God’s way of telling you that you two aren’t meant to be parents!
Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.
Myth: Infertility is nature’s way of controlling population.
Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.
Myth: I shouldn’t take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason… I just know that this next month will be THE one!
Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.
Myth: I’ll be labeled a ‘trouble maker’ if I ask too many questions.
Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.
A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.
Myth: I know I’ll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.
Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.
Myth: I’ve lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!
Fact: Infertility is a life crisis — it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.