Who Listens Better? Your Dog or Your Spouse?

OK, are you ready for this?  Apparently a new poll by petside.com reveals that 33% of women and 18% of men believe their pet is a better listener than their spouse! 

About one in ten pet owners surveyed speak to their animals about their problems, especially to their dogs who are supposedly better listeners than cats!!!  >^..^<

I could get out my research hat and critique this poll, but instead of doing that, I’ll just highlight the central message of this research:  Many people are not feeling heard by their partners. 

So, to do my part in helping us all become better listeners, here is a reprint of a Healthful Changes newsletter on the topic.  If you’d like to subscribe to my complimentary quarterly newsletter, please click here.

Learning To Listen

“Can you stop what you’re doing for just one second and listen to me?”

“Why do I have to constantly repeat myself?”

“You’re not really listening.  Do you even care what I have to say?”

Most of us have a great deal of room for improvement when it comes to our ability to listen.  Do any of these words sound familiar to you?  Has anyone recently accused you of not listening?  Do you often pretend you are listening when you are actually thinking about something else? 

Although we all enjoy the experience of having someone truly listen when we are talking, we are not always very skilled at providing that same experience to others.  We tend to think we are great communicators when we possess great speaking skills.  However, talking is only one half of the communication process.  Listening is the other.  

Listening is not the same as hearing.  Obviously, if you have two ears that work, you can hear.  Listening, on the other hand, is more about making an active and sincere attempt to understand what someone is trying to communicate to you.  Contrary to common belief, listening is not something that comes naturally; it is a skill that requires practice to refine.  Good listening skills are an important key to establishing rapport, maintaining good relationships, and avoiding misunderstanding.

Common Obstacles To Listening

Only a few of us truly give 100% of our attention to someone else while they are talking.  We are often preoccupied with our own responsibilities, plans, and worries.  Below is a list of things listeners often do that can get in the way of comprehending a speaker’s true message.  Do you do any of these things?

• Mindreading.  You feel like you already know what the other person is “really” trying to say, so you make little effort to listen.
• Judging.  You make a negative judgment about the other person and then do not pay attention to anything that person says, unless it supports your negative opinion.
• Rehearsing.  You are so busy focusing on your next statement or response that you do not pay attention to what the other person is saying.
• Filtering.  You listen to only some of the things that are being said and let your mind wander.
• Advising.  You are mostly focused on “fixing” the problem you hear, rather than understanding the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
• Identifying.  No matter what the other person says, you tie it in with your own experience and launch into your own stories.
• Comparing.  Rather than listening, you try to figure out how you measure up to the other person.

Based on this list, do you feel your listening skills could be improved?  If so, take heart in the knowledge that there are some simple strategies you can employ to become a more skilled listener.

Ground Rules

Let’s imagine that your spouse or a very good friend tell you they want to talk to you about something and they really need you to listen.  If you really want them to feel heard, it is important to implement some ground rules for better listening before you sit down with that person:

1. Reduce the distractions around you.  Turn off the TV, silence your cell phone, or put down that book you are reading. 
2. Establish a listening attitude.  Make your goal to understand things from the other person’s perspective, whether or not you agree with how they see things.  Be curious and interested.  Control your own emotional buttons—ignore your anger and focus on being constructive.  Remember that true listening can help you clear up misunderstandings and increase trust, intimacy, and respect.
3. Let your body language show you are listening.  70% of communication is nonverbal, so face the other person, maintain comfortable eye contact, and keep your posture open.  No crossed arms, yawns, or staring off into space, please.
4. Do not interrupt while the other person is speaking.  Let them complete their thoughts.  
5. Be encouraging of the other persons attempt to communicate.  Nod your head or say things like, “Uh huh”, “Go on,” or “Tell me more.”  Asking open-ended question (i.e., questions that do not have “yes” or “no” as a response) can keep communication going.  For example, you could say, “What makes you feel this way?” or “How did that affect you?”

Structured Exercise To Improve Your Listening Skills

If you are really dedicated to improving your listening skills and have a willing partner to help you practice, here is an exercise you can try with that person.  Be warned that you may feel awkward at first, but practicing listening in this way will definitely help you improve your listening.   

1. Start by deciding who will be the speaker and who will be the listener.  If you are the listener your role is to be encouraging, not to give you personal response to what they are saying.
2. Now the speaker talks about something for five minutes.  If you are the speaker, your statements should primarily begin with “I,” rather than “You.”  Your goal is to relay your own experience, not play the “blame game.”
3. After five minutes, if you are the listener, give the speaker a summary of what you heard.  It is important not to interject your own personal opinions when you give this feedback.  Try to be a “mirror,” so that the speaker can clearly hear what he or she said.   Remember to “reflect” back not only the content, but also the feelings that were being communicated.  You can start the feedback with a simple statement like, “I heard you say…”
4. Next, if you are the speaker, tell the listener what was accurate or inaccurate about the summary.  If necessary, give the listener additional information to clarify your views.
5. Now switch roles.  The speaker becomes the listener and vice versa. 

It is very important to be open, calm, and self-controlled during this exercise.  Remember, that the goal is for each one of you to feel heard, not for you to win an argument.  You can use this structured exercise until your listening skills are stronger and come to you more naturally.

Conclusion

If you think back to people that had a positive influence in your life, you may find one thing in common—they tend to be good listeners.  Being heard is a truly powerful experience.  Listening is a great way to build rapport quickly and relate with someone at a deeper level.  As you express genuine interest in what another person has to say, you will find that others are much more likely to also listen to you.  You can certainly make a positive difference in someone else’s life just by listening.