A friend told me a story this morning that is still bothering me as I write this post. She told me of a couple with a young baby that had been crying and screaming loudly in the middle of the night. Apparently the parents, who are proponents of the “cry it out” method of sleep training, chose to ignore the baby’s cries from the other room, hoping their child would just go back to sleep. Eventually the baby did stop crying. The next morning, much to the parents’ surprise, they discovered their child had been lying all night in the crib…in a pool of vomit.
Having recently cared for my own sick child, this story really got to me at a personal level. I get tears in my eyes thinking of that frightened baby needing help and not being able to get it. From what I could piece together, I doubt the parents intended for any of this to happen. Nonethless, this situation got me thinking about the American obsession with independence–even that of a small child!
Ironically, as we become more dependent on experts and technology to help with parenting, neuroscience is helping us understand the importance of human connection in the proper development of a baby’s nervous system. Consider these interesting facts about brain development:
- Immature brains at birth. At birth, human beings are the least mature (and most vulnerable) of any mammal. 75% of our brain development happens after birth.
- Neuroplasticity. The brain is more malleable in the first few years than at any other time in life. This is called neuroplasticity.
- Environment affects wiring. The infant brain is designed to be molded by the environment it encounters. Early experiences directly affect the way the brain is wired.
- Rapid growth of connections in early childhood. During the first two years of life, connections among brain cells are undergoing their fastest growth. In the first decade of life, a child’s brain literally forms trillions of connections. By age three, the brain has developed to 75% of its adult size.
- We are hardwired to connect. Because our brains develop through interaction with the environment, social interactions have a tremendous impact on our development. Active and engaged care is essential for children’s brain maturation and for social, emotional, and intellectual development. Loving, attuned interactions and human touch help the neurons grow and connect with other neurons properly. Aversive experiences have the opposite effect.
- Excessive stress is toxic to developing brain. Brain research indicates that levels of cortisol, norepinephrine, and adrenaline increase when a person experiences trauma or stress. Cortisol is actually toxic to the developing brain and reduces the number of connections in certain parts of the brain.
- Life-long patterns. Around ages 5 and 12, the brain begins to prune extra connections at a rapid rate. Connections that are used repeatedly in the early years become permanent; those that are not are eliminated
According to research, the average American parent takes longer to respond to a crying child than parents in other parts of the world. Sadly, letting babies “cry it out” is now linked to higher risk of developing an anxiety disorder as an adult. Babies have a very immature nervous system and cannot soothe or calm themselves. They actually need a caregiver to perform that function for them. Responding in a sensitive manner to their cries lets them know the world is a safe, secure place where their needs will be met. It is through this experience that a child eventually grows toward true independence.
I hope people will understand “The world is a safe, secure place where their needs will be met.”
Great article. Sharing this on my FB fanpage if internet permits!
Yes, mamapoekie, feel free to share the article. Thanks for your feedback!
I’d love to share this article on FB as well. Can someone tell me how to link to this on FB? BTW I’m a clinical SW adn have been saying for years that CIO is linked to anxiety and other m/h disorders I’m glad there is starting to be some correlational data to support my theory. Admin, can you please share some of the research out there? I’d like to read the studies first hand.
Hi Ryan. You can link to FB by putting the following link in your status: http://poonamsharma.com/blog/?p=80. There is a pretty extensive body of literature on stress/trauma and the developing brain. Some researchers you can look at include: Allan Schore, Daniel Siegel, Bessel van der Kolk, and Bruce Perry.
Thank you for a clinical look at an attachment issue. It’s sad how Americans are obsessed with creating “independent” infants.
In Mad About You, Jamie and Paul thought it best to use the crying out method for their daughter, much to Paul’s discontent. Towards the end, Jamie wanted to go into her daughter’s room as well. Just at that moment their daughter stopped crying and Jamie burst out in tears and said that they had just broken their daughter’s heart, they have taught her that they won’t always be there for her.
I want my daughter to know that there will always be someone to support her if she needs it. Right now that person is me and from time to time her father.
I think babies are treated poorly sometimes in ways that older persons would never be treated. Isolation is frightening for children of all ages and I struggle to see how the benefits of schedule or independence seem to (amidst much praise) trump attachment, trust and love. A person’s a person, no matter how small.
I think one of my greatest frustrations is that people assume that if you survive it, it must have been a good thing.
What a great article. I have a 14 month old who still cosleeps. I am getting more and more criticism from people about the fact that I have not forced my son to sleep in his crib. I do put him in his crib each night after he falls asleep, but he wakes up within two hours and cries for me. I chose not to ignore his cry and I go to him immediately. Many have told me that I need to just let him cry and he will go back to sleep. Well, not my son, he cries until he gags. I made the mistake of listening to people and allowed that to happen once. It will never happen again. Would I like for him to be able to sleep through the night and be able to sleep in his crib? Absolutely! But I am not going to do it at the expense of my son’s sense of safety and peace in the world.
I suspect that people believe that silence from the baby is the equivalent of “self-soothed”, which lead them to think that cry-it-out “works”. Whereas I think that the silence means exhaustion or giving up, neither soothed nor peaceful.
My daughter is 10. I still rush to hug her if she stubs her toe or has a moment of pain. I find she recovers her happy equilibrium much faster than if I just commisserate verbally.
Reading things like this remind me WHY my child, adopted at four after years of early traumatic experiences in the home and in foster care, acts the way he does now at the age of ten. Sometimes it’s easy to forget all that he’s been through when he is being extremely frustrating.
Parents not checking that their children are safe is ridiculous. I let my kids cry it out, but I always check on them, and then do in at 5 minute intervals increasing the time by 5 minutes each time, until the baby falls asleep.(go in after 5 minutes, then after 10 minutes, then after 15 minutes…etc) Usually 2 days of this and the baby is sleeping through the night. I highly recommend “On Becoming Baby Wise” by Ezzo and Buckman. I have three girls and I have enjoyed a full nights rest since my third child was three months old. If they wake now, I know it’s because something is wrong, not that they are manipulating their environment and we the parents!
I was told to leave my 1st born to cry, which I found heart wrenching. He got a hernia from screaming so much. Never forgave myself and never let him cry again.
After reading this article I feel proud that during the formative years and especially upto 3-5 years Indian style of parenting take utmost care of all the child physical as well as phycological needs.
So pleased to see this. I’m actually one of those nuts who wears their baby, co-sleeps and breastfeeds and had babies that never needed to cry. I defend my choices and have strong, healthy, active and NORMAL children to show for it.
Thank you for sharing this. It is so incredibly upsetting, especially because it could happen to any parent that chooses to “Ferber-ize” their helpless baby, and there are many parents that do just that, thinking it is good for the baby and disciplines the child. I must admit I did this with my first child for a while, thinking it was the only way. It never felt right, and that should have been the first clue!! With my second, I flat-out refused this method. I am so glad I didn’t accept the “norm” and did my own reading. Turns out there are many other techniques to help your baby learn how to go to sleep on their own besides quite literally abandoning them. Now that I have a 3 month old, hearing this story is even closer to home. My sweet little girl; I can’t imagine her sitting in vomit all night. How disturbing! Makes me sick to my stomach.
We are parents of an 11 week old and don’t wish to let our daughter cry it out but is there a particular age when you can leave them for a bit, if you are trying to create good sleep schedules for them. Sleep is so very important for children, and for parents and sometimes creating those healthy sleep schedules can be very challenging. Is there a particular age where it’s not detrimental to the child to allow them to cry, as long as you are going in and reminding them that their parents are close by.
Thanks to you all for the supportive comments about the post and for sharing your personal experiences. In the world of psychology, we talk about the importance of “emotional attunement,” or being emotionally “plugged in” to your child. Children certainly do vary in terms of what they need at bedtime, but as long as you are sensitive to where they are emotionally, I believe you will make good decisions.
By the way, I’m sorry it took a while to post your comments, I’m still new to the blogging world and didn’t realize I had comments to moderate!
I coslept with my kids until they were ready to move out. They did this when they were five-ish. My husband made them a bed by hand – a beautiful bed of their design (car, castle and horse themes!) . They gradually transitioned over. Now the 7 and 5 year old still come into our bed if they have a bad dream or just want to. The ten year old boy thinks he’s way too old for that stuff. My kids have never had trouble sleeping or settling. They have a structured routine and always have – it just changed as they developed and each child was slightly different. They have never had trouble going to bed and even now in their own beds they just settle with a book and a prayer at the designated time. I dont think you need to let your child cry to develop a good sleep schedule. I think other things are more important – like security, no TV right before bedtime, fairly dark room, comfort and a ritual/routine associated with bedtime.